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Upcoming interview from Basil Magazine & Radio!

2011-04-09T11:42:00.000-04:00

Be sure to check out the interview for my book, The Part-Time Vegan, on Basil Magazine's Online Radio! I will also be featured in May's monthly issue of Basil :)

http://tiny.cc/g7b6h Follow this link to the radio station!

Tune in on April 25th at 6:05PM EST to hear me discuss the book, veganism, and good food!

I'm looking into some great new spring recipes... really happy bright flavors and colors. I love the spring! I love warm weather. Can't wait to post them up here :)

The Part-Time Vegan Interview!

2011-03-30T13:44:00.000-04:00

Jill, the wonderful webmistress of vegcookin.com has posted an interview with me about my book, The Part-Time Vegan! Take a hop, skip, jump (or, you know... just click if you haven't had your coffee yet), on over and take a peek!

http://www.vegcookin.com/a/cherise-grifoni/

My two recipes for Vegan Paçoca and Brazilian Orange & Blackberry Cheesecake can also be found in the "recipes" section of the site. Thank you, Jill!

Happy cooking, all!

Vegan Paçoca

2011-03-29T17:23:00.001-04:00

Paçoca is SO good. It is a Brazilian candy made of raw peanuts, sugar, condensed milk, and salt. What's cool about it is that if you replace the condensed milk (I used agave which has a similar sticky consistency and can hold the treat together), it is a naturally raw vegan dessert! Woot, woot!

It's so intensely peanut-buttery & salty-sweet. The consistency is really crumbly, which makes it fun to eat and make. Usually paçoca is served as little squares or as a crumble over other desserts. In fact, it would make a great pie "crust" to a raw vegan peanut butter-chocolate cheesecake.

Yay!

Oh, it's also widely eaten around Easter time which makes it perfect for this time of year. If you travel down to Brazil you might also find a new variety of Hershey's that you haven't seen before:

Cool, huh?

Of course, Hershey's candies aren't vegan. But hey, one can dream. If you dipped the completed product of this recipe in some melted chocolate (1 4oz bar unsweetened dark chocolate melted w/ 4 tbsp vegan margarine over low heat) you could make your own vegan Hershey's paçoca!

Vegan Paçoca

(pronounced like pa-SSO-ca)

1 1/2 cup roasted/salted peanuts

3/4 cup tapioca or manoic flour

1 cup vegan brown sugar

1/4 cup agave nectar (don't have it? use maple syrup)

1. Process all dry ingredients.

Manoic/tapioca flours come from the cassava plant which is known as the "bread of the tropics." Many South American and African desserts/dishes are made with the starchy tubers of the cassava plant. Another cool fact about it is that, when not cooked or processed properly cassava is poisonous. Both varities, sweet and bitter, naturally contain cyanogenic glycosides. That is... a cyanide group contained within the glycosides (sugars bonded with non-carb molecules) of the plant.

No need to fear, though! The flours that you can buy (Bob's Red Mill is a good brand) are completely safe to consume, and so is properly prepared cassava! Usually boiling, soaking, or baking the plant does the trick. In fact, I've had cassava several times before in various West African dishes and it is delicious.

The mixture will be crumbly before you add the agave.
I don't know why my hand looks like Quasimodo's hand here.

2. Add agave and process again. Try to squish the mixture with your hands. If it stays together, you're A-OK. If it doesn't, add a little more agave & process again.

3. Simply take a palm full of the mixture in your hands and press into small squares. Some people like to pat the entire mix down into the bottom of a pan and cut square shapes out, but I think doing it with your hands is easier.

Eat, eat, eat! Happy spring!

Dinner Partay! 3 Easy Recipes

2011-03-28T20:57:00.004-04:00

On Saturday I had a dinner party with some of my friends and we had an awesome purely vegan feast! It just-so-happened that way, as 3/4 people eating were not vegans (win for me!).

My friend lives in a beautiful apartment down by the river on the Lower East Side. I never remember the code to his building though, and I have to call him every time and ask like an idiot. Hahah, I've only been there about 17 million times in my life. That is an actual scientific measurement, if you were wondering.

You'd think my brain would retain the info, but. This is my brain we are talking about! It is too preoccupied with food. Unless I can eat that door code, I am not interested.

The long trek to his place from mine feels like a journey across several countries and perhaps a small continent. There is even wildlife to behold (rats and the occasional Hips. ter sapien)! After braving the frigid March weather and wild beasts like Indiana Jones, we all got to eat a cornucopia of wonderful dishes. I used the word cornucopia!

Luckily, I also had another friend to accompany me on the long walk. We always have earth-shattering, revelatory conversations when we travel to the Dinner Party Apartment, as if Abraham Lincoln and George Washington were strolling the cherry blossom-lined paths of Washington together discussing the epic problems of our modern era! (Not really). We usually talk about boys.

So, food!

My contribution to the evening (I say evening because it sounds Classy) was Pineapple Coconut Rice with black beans, white onions, and yellow peppers. I also made broiled mango- so delicious!- and fried bananas. Eating them separately is great, but I especially liked to mixed the fried bananas into the rice. Mmmmm.

Everything else at the party was amazing as well... we had some great tabouleh (cashews, lemon-olive oil dressing, peas, quinoa in lieu of bulgur wheat, and asparagas), delicious hummus and babaganoush, roasted red peppers, and of course wine!

Pineapple Coconut Rice

2 cups wild rice
1-1 1/2 tablespoon coconut oil
1 tbsp citrus (I used kumquats, but lime and lemon work too!)
1 yellow pepper
1-2 cans black beans
1-1 1/2 yellow onion
2 tbsp soy sauce
1 cup pineapple juice

The picture of this dish is much less appealing than what it looks like in Real Life with its popping yellows and blacks. I promise it's incredibly tropically tasty and filling.

1. I used a rice cooker and 1 cup water, 1 cup pineapple juice to cook my 2 cups wild rice.
2. While that was happening, I stir-fried the yellow pepper and onion in the coconut oil on med-high until the onions are translucent.
3. Add the black beans to the rice when its finished cooking, stirring so everything is even.
4. Add soysauce into the rice mixture, stir well. Put rice into stovetop pan with the vegetables to heat everything today on low heat for 8 minutes.
5. Top with citrus and stir, add additional pineapple juice if you wish!

All packed up for travel.

Roasted Mango

1-2 mango
lime juice

This is delicious because the sugars in the mango carmelize and give amazing depth to this already refreshing, tangy fruit.

*** Preheat oven to 400 degrees
1. Cut & skin mango. The easiest way to do this is by cutting off both ends, and then carefully moving your knife down the ripe mango to remove the skin. Avoid the inner seed and slice off mango meat from around it.

2. Place on a broiler pan and roast mango for about 10 minutes. Check and see if any broil marks show up, if they do, turn the mango over and cook for another few minutes.
3. Remove mango from pan and place on serving dish, cover in lime juice. AMAZING, I PROMISE. Seriously, it's one of the best ways I've ever eaten fruit in my life.

Fried Bananas

4 semi-ripe bananas
1/4 cup garbanzo bean flour (or any flour)
1 tsp cinnamon
1/4 tsp nutmeg (optional)
2 tbsp vegan margarine

I used garbanzo bean flour because one of my friends is Celiac. No whole wheat flour for her! Same reason we used quinoa in the tabouleh. What a downer. hahaha Just kidding.

1. Peel and cut the bananas in half. Then, slice them down the center from top to bottom.
2. Mix the flour and spices in a small dish.

3. Heat up a frying pan and melt the vegan margarine. I used med heat.

4. Cover each banana with the flour mixture and fry them until both sides are brown. Around 3 minutes on each side.

Vegan Brigadeiros

2011-03-24T17:37:00.000-04:00

Well, after 4 1/2 fretful hours, full of not bi, but trilingual curses, I FINALLY managed to invent the recipe for vegan brigadeiros!! It was so difficult because traditional brigadeiros, a Brazilian bon-bon like candy staple, are made with only a few ingredients, chocolate, butter, and condensed milk.

It took me AGES to condense my own vegan soymilk, but I did it! Booyeah! I must say the end product is just as tasty & complex (if not more so..) than the good-old fashioned favorites!

So, for all you brave souls who wish to create condensed vegan milk on your own... make sure you have several hours at hand. Otherwise, I found a cool-looking substitute that I have yet to try: Olvebra brand condensed soyamilk

However, there's something about accomplishing a time-consuming task like this recipe on your own. It makes you feel like you've created life! It's like they're my little delicious children! Granted, that is bordering on weird. But you couldn't pull the smile off my face for an hour, amigos!

I think next time I will try making the condensed soymilk in a slow-cooker and see how it turns out. Anyways, I used to looooove these treats before I became a vegan and I am so happy & proud to share the recipe with all of you!

Vegan Brigadeiros

3 1/2 cups unsweetened soy milk
6 tablespoons of vegan margarine
1/2 cup of vegan sugar
3 tablespoons of unsweetened cocoa
pinch salt
walnuts (traditionally they use chocolate sprinkles!)

1. Melt the margarine in a pan, adding the sugar. Stir consistently until the sugar is liquified.

2. Bring the soil milk to a boil and combine the margarine/sugar mixture with the soy milk. Add the pinch of salt.

3. Simmer mixture for several hours making sure to stir frequently so the bottom of the mixture does not burn. Use a wooden spoon. You want the boil to be a very, very gentle one. Keep the temperature low! This step may take up to 3-3 1/2 hours. I promise the results are well-worth the labor!

*Note: you will continually need to lower the temperature bit by bit as the soy milk condenses into a lesser and lesser volume.

**You will also see a "milk film" start to develop on top of the soy milk after a little while. This is a good sign, and also a sign that you should stay patient and keep simmering! (Patience seriously sucks, I know).

4. Eventually, depending on your cookware and the heat you are using, the mixture will condense to a definite thick pudding-like consistency (one that won't completely lose it's shape when you pick it up in your hands). Add the cocoa powder and whisk until the mixture is uniform. After you have achieve this pudding-like consistency, simmer very gently for approximately 15 more minutes and then let the mixture completely cool.

5. Take the completely cool mixture and heat it to high-heat on your stove very quickly. Stir constantly. Cook for 10 minutes. Scrape the bottom of the pan with your wooden spoon to keep it from burning. The mixture will look like it's starting to come apart, the oil bleeding out onto the pan. This is a good sign. Just keep mixing!

6. After you have done this, you should have an easy-to-mold blob of delicious condensed vegan milk and chocolate brigadeiro! Take it apart tiny bite-sized piece by tiny bite-sized piece, and pat them on a paper towel to remove excess margarine grease. Roll them through sprinkles to get the traditional effect (all I had were walnuts!). I find the walnuts add an appealing crunch to the smooth bon-bon texture.

7. They should be eaten right away or stored in the fridge to chill and enjoyed any time!

Sucesso!!

Once I get my hands on some of that cool Olvebra brand condensed soy milk, I will try out this recipe the easy-peasier way.

Vegan Pão de Queijo

2011-03-22T00:09:00.003-04:00

An absolutely delicious Brazilian street food, pão de queijo is a Brazilian cheese puff/bread. They are, of course, made with cheese (usually parmesean). I tried to replicate the flavor as best I could! Traditionally, they are cooked with tapioca flour which makes for a very light texture. I didn't have any of this on hand, so I used a heavier garbanzo bean flour... it made for moist, cheesy, dense cookies. I think they'd be perfect with raspberry preseves.

Ps. pão de queijo is pronounced like (poh-jeh-kay-zjho). The more ya know!

Since the oven in my apartment gets to about 8,000 degrees, I YET AGAIN nearly burnt my fingers off despite buying new and adorable parrot-themed potholders. Damn you, oven, damn you.

Pão de Queijo
(literally "bread of cheese" or Brazilian Cheese Bread)
1/2 cup olive oil
1/3 cup water
1/3 cup unsweetened almond milk
1 tsp salt
2 cups garbanzo bean flour (or tapioca flour)
2/3 cup nutritional yeast
2/3 cup vegan cheese (Daiya, or any other brand!)
dash cracked black pepper
1 tsp garlic powder
egg replacer for 2 eggs

**Preheat oven to 375 degrees.

1. Boil the olive oil, salt, water, and almond milk over the stove. Remove it immediately and add it to the flour mixture.

2. Stir in the garlic power, egg replacer, and cracker black pepper.

3. Add the nutrional yeast.

4. Fold in the vegan cheese.

5. Make small 1-inch circles and place onto an ungreased baking sheet. Cook for 15 minutes, or until the tops are lightly browned. My oven was being whacky so I had to cook each side separately for about 8 minutes to get it browned without burning it. Sigh, my oven.

(My conscience is saying, AT LEAST YOU HAVE AN OVEN. So right.)

Torticas de Morón

2011-03-20T20:27:00.000-04:00

I finally got to make my torticas!!

Torticas de Morón are a Cuban speciality and are very popular in Cuban bakeries. Cuban cooking is a fusion of African, Carribean and Spanish cuisines, and so has a variety of immensely flavorful elements to draw from!

The predominant flavors of these cookies are lime, rum, and cinnamon. The non-vegan recipe calls for eggs and butter/lard, which I replaced with vegan-margarine and applesauce (to keep the cookies moist). They came out light and fluffy and aromatic... the perfect compliment to a bright sunny day and the red chilie & tomatillo tacos I made. Mmmmm...

Torticas de Morón

(small cakes from Morón)

3 cups flour

pinch salt

1 1/2 tsp baking powder

1 tsp cinnamon

2/3 cups vegan sugar

1 4oz package of unsweetened applesauce

1 cup vegan margarine
3 tbsp lime zest
3 tsp rum extract (or regular rum if you have it around)
guava paste (a common Latin ingredient, it can usually be found in the Goya aisle)

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees, line two baking sheets with parchment paper.

2. Mix the flour, salt, baking power, and cinnamon together. Add the sugar, lime zest, lime juice, rum extract, softened butter, applesauce. Mix by hand once the dough starts to form.

3. Separate the dough into 3 sections, refridgerating the ones you aren't using.

4. Roll the dough out onto a floured surface. Cut into 2 1/2-inch rounds (they should be about 1/3 of an inch thick). Line them up on parchment paper over the baking sheet. Parchment paper is AWESOME and requires little-to-no clean up. (Which is obviously why I use it).

5. Cut the guava paste into small pieces and press them into the tops of the cookies. Bake for 14 minutes until the bottoms are lightly browned.

6. Lastly, let cool for about 5 minutes and enjoy! I topped mine with powered sugar because Cuban desserts are supposed to be muyyyyy muyyyyyyyy dulce!

An important message

2011-03-20T20:03:00.000-04:00

I would like to point out a comment made on my blog:

This is precisely the kind of attitude about veganism I am always trying to shirk off with my book & blog. For some, you can never be "vegan enough." I have no ill-will against this poster, but I'm using the comment as an important example. It is perfectly fine, if you have an interest in veganism or alternative cooking, that you do what you can when you can and not feel bad about not being able to conform to the impossible standards of the so-called "pure tier", the criterion of which is inevitably determined by unforgiving adherents to a certain dogma.

These people usually have the extraordinary means of supporting their lifestyle that many may not have the privilege of enjoying. It is perfectly fine to be fundamentalist about your beliefs (eating or otherwise!), so long as one does not assume all people have the same ability/financial means/goals as oneself. Not only is this criticism unfair to those trying do what they can, but it is also petty and does nothing to serve anyone's purpose- it alienates.

So, please! Keep the message of healthy eating alive and well. Be vegan because you WANT to be, and encorporate what elements of the lifestyle you can into your own life with positivity.

Peace,

Vegan Zombie :)

Super Easy Banana Smoothie & Black Bean Puree

2011-03-17T18:23:00.000-04:00

I had leftover cilantro salsa from yesterday's tacos, so I threw it in the frying pan with 1/2 can of black beans and veggies.

To accompany the tacos, I turned the other 1/2 can of black beans into a puree by processing them with 1 tbsp lemon juice, 1/2 tsp paprika, dash cayenne, dash cracked black pepper, dash garlic powder, dash cumin.

Then, I made the easiest and creamiest banana smoothie ever. I remember when I was younger and my friends and I would go to this smoothie place on the outskirts of town and the servers would look at me like I was insane when I requested "just bananas". They fools, homie.

Easy Banana Smoothie

1 large banana

1 1/2 cup of ice

1 cup unsweetened Almond Milk (mine is only 35 calories per cup)

1/2 cup orange juice

Extras:

You could toss in a couple of tablespoons of peanut butter (for protein), some strawberries, or 6 oz of soy yogurt. I find that the simple combo of almond milk and bananas makes for the best smoothie/milkshake. The unsweetened milk is the best because it has a simple smooth flavor, much like mellow bananas themselves.

Okay, now off to dinner to try a new restaurant & some Jameson.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!!

Cilantro-Lime Tofu Tacos! (quick dinners)

2011-03-16T21:38:00.001-04:00

I just got back from my latin dance class... and of course I had to come home immediately after and have tacos and beer! This is a quick dish you can cook up in less than twenty minutes.

Cilantro-Lime Tofu Tacos

Taco filling:
(1) I used pre-cut supermarket veggies (onions and peppers), sauteed them in an 1 tbsp of sesame oil (sesame oil doesn't change its molecular structure when heated to high temperatures, thus it stays safe for your heart!). Sautee for about 7 minutes or until the onions are translucent.
(2) Add one 12oz package of firm cubed tofu into the pan, smash with a fork

(3) Top with 8 oz of cilantro-lime salsa. I used Frontera brand, they're great. It's got roasted tomatillo & green pepper. This flavoring will give the tofu a more "chickeny" taste, there's also a great cumin & tomato variety that will give the tofu the "ground beef" flavor we all love in tacos!

(4) Cook for 7 minutes, remove from heat.

Guacamole:

I also whipped up a quick guacamole with an avocado, 1/2 white onion, 1/2 tsp garlic, pinch salt, pinch cracked black pepper, 1 tbsp lemon juice. Throw in the food processor and you're done.

Other toppings:

store-bought fresh salsa

1/2 can of corn, seasoned with a bit of cracked pepper and lime juice

Tortillas:

2 low-carb whole wheat tortillas, burnt over the grill (you could just use your stove too!)

PS. Bud and Bud-Light are vegan-friendly beers!

Brazilian Orange & Blackberry Cheesecake

2011-03-13T22:11:00.000-04:00

Yay, the cheesecake returns! I just finished a massive piece of this and eff, if I do say so myself, it's effing good. The awesomeness makes my brain hurt and also makes me want to samba. But I promise, there's no "goodnight Cinderella" inside of this cake. If you don't know what that is, consider yourself lucky. (Also be careful in Rio).

Brazilian Orange & Blackberry Cheesecake

Crust:

2 cups of Brazil nuts
juice of 1/2 an orange
rind of 2 oranges
2 tbsp honey
1 tsp vanilla

Filling:

3 1/2 cups cashews (soaked for 1-4 hours)

juice of 1 1/2 orange

1/2 cup lemon juice

1 cup coconut oil

2 tsp vanilla

1/2 cup honey

Topping:
1 1/2 pint blackberries, mashed with fork

1) Simple food process all of the ingredients for the crust and then press them into a 9-inch pie plate.

pretty grated orange rind!

2) Next food process all filling ingredients. Make sure to melt down the coconut oil in a small bag (it's easy to do this in a bowl of hot water) to liquify it. Pour the filling mixture over the crust. Let this sit in the freezer for 4 hours, yo.

It was so sunny and wonderful today!

3. Take cake out of the freezer. Mash up the 1 1/2 pint of blackberries with a fork in a small bowl and spread over the top of the cheesecake. Serve!

You can store this in the fridge for up to 5 days. Or until the blackberries start to get moldy. Yeeeah.

Vegan Vatapá

2011-03-13T21:52:00.002-04:00

Your Vegan Zombie is going Brazilian. I've been soooo intensely interested in South American cuisine lately, especially since almost every dish consists some type of meat or lard. My goal is to rework these fabulous and colorful plates so we vegans can enjoy them too! Blasphemy, you say? Hopefully Our Lady of Guadalupe can forgive us, mi amor.

BRAZIL is the best place on the planet.

They have incredible food, art, music, history, people, the Christ the Redeemer Statue (just beautiful, though!), cities, an up and coming economy, sun, the World Cup in 2014 (I am totally going to GO MAN) ...and uh, did I mention food?

Brazilian cuisine has a wide array of influences including African, Portuguese, and Italian. The food utilizes the country's rich and abundant tropical fruits, the bounty of the gorgeous coastline, and native nuts.

This dish, called vatapá, is typically made as a "seafood stew" and has West African influences. Of course, we couldn't include shrimp like the locals do (or sometimes white fish), so I veganized this puppy with a grain that has a similar rubbery quality to it--- barley. If left a little al dente, you can get the same feeling. For added "seafood" flavor I could have added a little nori, but no one in my family would have eaten it that way... and I'm a slave to feedback and compliments, what can I say?

The brilliant yellow coloring comes from the Brazilian dendê oil, a palm oil frequently used in Brazilian cooking. The texture of this dish is extremely unique... too thick to be a stew. I don't know. It owns.

Vegan Vatapá

2 chopped onions
3 cloves of garlic, chopped
4 malagueta or jalapeño chile peppers, chopped (use 1 or a gentler pepper if you aren't into spicy!)
2 tbsp olive oil
1 1/2 cup vegetable stock
1/2 cup organic peanut butter
1 cup whole wheat bread crumbs (or just put two slices of whole wheat bread in a food processor)
salt and pepper to taste
1 1/2 cup barley, cooked and drained
2 cups coconut milk
1/4 cup Dendê oil

1) Chop up the onions, peppers, and garlic. Toss it into the food processor.

2) Add this mixture along with 1/2 cup of your cooked barley onto the stovetop. Cook in 2 tbsps of olive oil for about 7 minutes to meld flavors.

3) Next, add the vegetable stock and peanut butter. Whisk until everything is smooth. Add breadcrumbs, salt, and pepper. Let the mixture boil, then lower the temp to a simmer for another 8 minutes.

4) Add the coconut milk and cook for another 5 minutes on a low temperature.

5) Lastly, stir in the dende oil, remaining barley, and serve! I topped the dish with tomatoes and paprika.

The Part-Time Vegan!

2011-02-17T21:25:00.002-05:00

Dear Readers,

I give you... The Part-Time Vegan: 201 Yummy Recipes That Put the Fun in Flexitarian

It's my precious baby! It's all grown up and savin' China! (to quote Mushu from Mulan, which was frankly, an excellent movie).

I've been hard at work on this book for the past seven months, striving to bring you the tastiest, most-satsifying, and easy-to-make vegan dishes known to Wo/Man. I can finally take a break, and I'm looking forward to blogging more steadily!

My new cookbook provides delicious recipes aimed at helping you flexitarians, er, flex your vegan muscles! Getting cooking with:

Purely Vegan Chocolate Hazelnut Spread
Lean, Mean, Black Bean Guacamole
Vegan Potato Pesto Salad
Spicy Roasted Tomato Soup
Roasted-Garlic Mashed Taters
Spinach Artichoke and Zucchini Paella
Barley Pilaf with Edemame and Roasted Red Pepper

What's not to love? I'm serious! As with the blog, I promise you the book is guilt-free, fun, and fearless. A perfect fit for all my lovely readers :)

Regardless of why you want to try veganism,--- whether it's for health, the planet, or some other worthy reason (maybe you're just damn hungry!), The Part-Time Vegan will be good to you. 'Cross my heart. Check it out in Barnes and Noble, Borders, Amazon, and any other bookstore!

high-five!

Pureed Cauliflower

2010-12-27T14:00:00.001-05:00

A very healthy, low-calorie, vitamin-packed alternative to mashed potatoes. Pureed cauliflower is incredibly easy to make and requires just a few ingredients. The winter vegetable cauliflower is commonly found in stores during the chilly months which makes this dish the perfect stand-in to butter-laden, cream-heavy mash-po.

The taste is smooth, creamy (without the cream), and delicious. There isn't a pungent cauliflower flavor at all. 'Cross my heart.

Really, your scale will thank you. You know you need it after those three (we know it wasn't just two) cookies and that candy-cane shot, and the Grinch mixed drink, and the snowstorm kahlua, and the pumpkin pie...

Pureed Cauliflower

1 head o' cauliflower

1 box/can vegetable broth

1/4 cup cashews

1 tsp white vinegar

1 tsp lemon juice

salt and pepper to taste

1 tbsp vegan margarine

Before cooking: Soak cashews 1 hour in water.

1. Cut all of the stems off of the cauliflower and roughly chop the heads.

2. Place them in a medium pot with the vegetable broth. You're going to want to cover the cauliflower with the broth, but just use that amount. It's alright if you have some broth unused.

3. Let the broth boil and them bring it down to a simmer. Cook the cauliflower for about 15 minutes or until tender. Drain the broth, reserving 2 tbsp of the cooking liquid.

4.Take the tender cauliflower, 2 tbsp cooking liquid, drained cashews, 1 tsp lemon juice, 1 tsp vinegar, and 1 tbsp vegan margarine and puree all ingredients in a food processor until the mixture is smooth.

5. Season with salt and pepper and garnich with a little pat of vegan margarine. Voila... you have completed your destiny.

Back from the Dead!!!

2010-12-27T13:30:00.000-05:00

Hello ladies & gents! A little status message... I have some good news and some good news. I will do this in a LIST since I love lists, and no one can take that away from me.

1. First of all, my apologies for being, for lack of better word, dead, for the past several months. It almost seems it's been ages since I posted on here at all! Boo hoo, right? :( I am crying tears of salty sadness.

a.HOWEVER. They are not tears of salty sadness borne of neglect! I have been very, very blessed to have been (since September) in the process of writing a vegan cookbook that will be in stores in March 2011!

b.Holy shit, right???

c. The book, aimed at all you lovely flexitarians out there is titled The Part-Time Vegan and will have simple, easy-to-follow, easy-to-find-ingredients-for recipes that will (hopefully) be acompanied by clever and amusing introductions by moi, your humble servant.

2. I may be getting my own domain sometime soon! I am looking to create my own .com which will be prettier and full of more superheroes than you could ever possibly imagine! When this happens, there will be a message and link on my blog redirecting lovely readers.

3. Until then, I will be updating the blog with new recipes, because the work of writing, editing, searching through galleys, emailing editors, going crazy, losing my mind also, making too much food for my own good-- is all, done done done!!

4. A very Merry Sithmas, Happy Holidays, and a Happy New Year to everyone who reads this here missive!

Vegan Spaghetti Squash

2010-09-14T08:43:00.000-04:00

So, I have been incredibly busy for the past few weeks (leaving little time to think up new recipes)! Something very exciting has been happening...

But that is neither here nor there, and has nothing to do with the easy, low calorie recipe that I've got here for you. Tired? Exhausted? Welcome to the fucking club, we've got a DJ on Fridays. That's why the recipe is easy peasy.

Quick Spaghetti Squash Dinner
1 spaghetti squash
1 yellow tomato
2 tbsp olive oil
salt to taste
cracker black pepper to taste
garlic to taste
your favorite store-bought tomato sauce
¼ cup balsamic vinegar
1/4 cup red wine
2 tbsp nutritional yeast

1. Preheat the oven to 450 degrees. Cut a spaghetti squash in half (be careful, butterfingers). 'Squash' is kind of a cute word, but if I had never eaten it before I would assume it tastes like a foot. I promise you it doesn't. Believe me or not! This is your own destiny.

2.Seed the squash, brush w/ olive oil, and season with salt, pepper and garlic. Let bake face down in the oven for about 45 minutes.

3.Chop up your tomato, and let it marinade in the red wine/balsamic mixture.

4. When the spaghettic squash is done and cooled (about 5 mins), gut it into a glass bowl, adding all other ingredients and your favorite store-bought tomato sauce. Top with nutritional yeast if it suits your fancy fancy tastes.

Hummus is Yummus

2010-08-20T23:08:00.001-04:00

My favorite thing on earth to eat is chickpeas. I like chickpeas on pancakes, I like chickpeas on pizza. I like chickpeas in my toothpaste and if they invented it, I would buy chickpea flavored lube. Well, no probably not. But I would consider it.

So, here is a quick, easy, no-brain-dead-idiot-could-mess-this-up version of the best thing since before the Beatles: Hummus.

Quick Easy Hummus

1 can chickpeas + water in can

2 tbsp tahini paste

2 tbsp olive oil

3/4 tsp salt

2 tsp lemon juice

2 tsp minced garlic

-This is a recipe even your dog couldn't mess up, even my dog, who is probably a reincarnated rock.

-Hummus has tons of PROTEIN, so it's awesome! Or, it'll give you really bad indigestion.

-Just blend all of this in the food processor and you're good to go! If you eat bread and aren't gluten-adverse, make sure your bread doesn't have lactylate as an ingredient b/c this can come from animals. However, it can also come from plants, or be synthetically created! (yay scary labs!) So check yourself, before you wreck yourself.

-Lastly, if you want to be all posh and fancy and better than me, sprinkle paprika over the top of your godly creation. It will look professional and like you have more skillz than you do! (Lying is the best way to impress people!)

-Ummmm, that's it. I'll put up something more interesting when I get more interesting.

(don't hold your breath)

Classic Carob-Chip Cookies

2010-08-18T21:41:00.001-04:00

Or, pseudo-chocolate chip cookies.

Or, awesomeness with awesome sauce.

Okay, I'll be honest, I have nothing funny or clever today. On all accounts, I've been quite boring. My normal, antisocial, semi-sociopathic personality has come out to lounge on the lilo and here, I have this offering for you, promising I'll come around.

I actually like the way carob chips taste even better than chocolate chips, but, we never did say I was normal, did we.

Classic Carob-Chip Cookies
1/2 cup canola oil
1 tsp vanilla
1 heaping tbsp cornstarch
2 cups whole wheat flour
1/2 tsp salt
2 tsp baking soda
1/2 cup water
carob chips to taste
1 cup vegan sugar

-Just mix all bits and lay out on a greased cookie sheet.
-These came out tasting exactly like your mom's chocolate chip cookies - they're really gooey to begin with, but they harden up. Cook on 350 for about 10 mins.
-I just sort of threw mine onto the pan and didn't roll them up into balls. I would advise rolling them up so they don't resemble invertebrates.

-Ummmmmmmmm, nothing.

Vegan Blueberry Breakfast Bars

2010-08-17T23:22:00.001-04:00

Wow. Wow. Wow. These are really good. Not very sweet, aside from the blueberry flavor, which is awesome. Just how I like it. Somehow, they manage to stay so light and airy and chewy it's almost offensive. Almost.

Blueberry Breakfast Bars
fantastic original recipe here

1 1/3 cup whole wheat flour
3/4 cup oats
1/3 cup vegan brown sugar or maple syrup
2 tsp baking soda
3/4 cup almond milk
1/4 cup applesauce
2 tbsp cornstarch
1 1/2 cup blueberries

-Basically, mix everything together except the blueberries, and then fold the blueberries in so they don't get crushed and mushy.

-Put mixture into a greased pan (I used parchment paper instead, in my opinion, so much better) in an 8x8 pan or equal size. Oven on 400 and leave em' in for about 25 mins and you're so good.

-Taz wanted some :( I gave him some blueberries. Good little boy.

Vegan Grilled Polenta

2010-08-17T23:13:00.000-04:00

I have raw alfredo and raw pesto sitting in the fridge, and became suddenly possessed by the idea of cooking polenta the other day when I saw it at the store. Or really, when I saw the pricetag of it in the store (2.50).

So I invented this recipe which is really, superbly great tasting. If I don't say so myself, and I am saying so myself *gentlemanly wink* It makes a great summer appetizer.

I'm a lazy f*** so I bought the pre-cooked Polenta. Really, who wants to sit and stir polenta for 45 mins in a (specifically) copper pot? I might have on another day, just because I think it is hilarious all the recipes say a "copper" pot.

What would happen if I cooked it in a steel pot?? The world may never know.

Vegan Grilled Polenta
1/4 cup walnuts
1 package pre-cooked polenta
canola oil
vegan pesto
vegan alfredo
3/4 cup julienne sundried tomatoes
1/2 cup red wine
salt
cracked ground pepper
4 gloves minced garlic
parsley to taste

-First, soak the sundried tomatoes in the red wine. Leave it for later.

-Next, sautee garlic, salt and pepper in canola oil. I used an electric frying pan to do this.

-Chop polenta into thick pieces. The thin ones don't do too well during grilling. Throw them into the frying pan to singe them - this will not take very long.

-Next, lay the polenta onto a cookie sheet and cover with dash salt/pepper, parsley, pesto, walnuts, and sundried tomatoes.

-Put these homies in the oven on 350 for 10 minutes.

-Cover with vegan alfredo and serve warm! nom nom nom

Raw Vegan Pesto w/Tofu Noodles

2010-08-16T20:30:00.002-04:00

So, today I went to the market with the express purpose of making pot stickers, because my life is oh so interesting (it's ok, judge me) and for some inexplicable reason I look FORWARD to making pot stickers. That reason is actually, if you could not guess, me having no life.

I was very sad to find out that the wonton wraps I was going to use had egg in them. So, picking myself up from my deflated moment of blatant self-pity and potential wrath (damn you, eggs, damn you all) I saw something else cool.

I love spending way too much time in grocery stores and unearthing random food products and today I found Tofu Shirataki, a noodle made by blending tofu and the Konnyaku plant. What the fuck is that, do you say? It is sometimes referred to as a yam, and looks like this:

It has a gelatin-like property, and is used to make jellies. It's popular in Asia!

Thank you, Asia!

So anywho, it's vegan, gluten-free, and comes in a bunch of different pasta "styles." The kicker really was it being only 20 calories per serving! Well, I declare! That means you can load it up with delicious home-made pesto.

If you buy this, make sure that you rinse the noodles thoroughly and then microwave it for about a minute. It'll get rid of the 'fishy' smell it has - and it really does have this bizarre smell until you zap it. That's what he said. Holy shit, I just realized this looks like a vagina AND smells fishy, seriously that is gross, but at the same time, too much of a coincidence to ignore.

Raw Vegan Pesto
1 cup walnuts
1 cup olive oil
1 tsp salt
6 gloves garlic, minced
2-3 cups packed basil
1 tsp ground black pepper
1/4 cup lemon juice
1 tbsp nutritional yeast (optional)

-I used walnuts in my pesto because pine nuts are too much effing money. You can also use almonds, they work really well.

-Just process all ingredients and top your fav pasta, or store in refridgerator.

Word.

Edit. Note: I just noticed on the Tofu Shirataki website it calls the fishy smell of the noodles before microwaving the "authentic aroma" bwhahaha. Riiiight.

Raw Vegan Zucchini 'Alfredo'

2010-08-15T18:34:00.000-04:00

This is the most amazing recipe, so quick and easy and absolutely delicious. There's only 1 semi unavailable ingredient in this, and it's the Nutritional Yeast (most disgusting name of anything ever), and you should go out for it (usually only 5$ at places like Whole Foods) because it really makes this dish.

The awesome thing about recipe is that it's veritable proof you can take something that is normally nine trillion calories and horrible for your body and abusive to your poor digestive system and turn it into something 101% good for you.

In less relevant news:

Indiana Pwns! He also must eat a ton of zucchini (wink wink) to get a physique like that (nudge nudge)

(frantic shake)

Raw Vegan Zucchini 'Alfredo'

3/4 cup water

3/4 cup nutritional yeast

2 tsp white pepper

dash black ground pepper

dash nutmeg

1/2 cup olive oil

splash almond milk

1 tbsp lemon juice

1/2 cup cashews

2 cloves garlic

3 medium-sized zucchinis, peeled (for 'spaghetti')

-if your sauce comes out a little heavy on the olive oil taste, add more lemon juice and a splash more almond milk. Add all ingredients (except zucchinis) into the food processor and voila

-Next, use the "grate" tool to grate 3 peeled zucchinis, in order to make the "pasta." Zucchinis make really good 'pasta' because they have a very neutral taste.

Mix the two together, and there ya go, partner.

Raw Vegan Chocolate-Coconut Ice Cream

2010-08-13T23:49:00.003-04:00

Ummmmmmmmmmmm, yeah I made ice cream. The cool thing about vegan food is that all you have to do is substitute the dairy/meat fat for some other type of vegan fat and normally you get just-as-good (or better, ahem) dishes than non-vegan plates!

Also, I just used like three different words for "food," trying to be all savvy and writer-ly and cool, and you know what, I just ended up sounding mentally deficient ("non-vegan plates!"). That's a lesson for you: if you try to sound like you know what you're doing, you're probably going to fail, unless you're pretty. In that case, Please, come in, can you start on Monday?

Anywho, here's a nice recipe for y'all bemoaning the lack of ice cream in your life, the same way I'm bemoaning the lack of Wolverine in mine.

Raw Vegan Chocolate Coconut Ice Cream

1 cup cashews (bless you)

1 cup pecans

3/4 cup fresh, shredded coconut

1 3/4 cups water

1 cup maple syrup

2 1/2 tsp vanilla flavor

1/4 cup dark cocoa powder

1/4 tsp ground coffee

- Blend everything in the food processor until smooth and if you don't have an ice cream machine (who the fuck has an ice cream machine? people who suck that's who), just put it in the freezer overnight and enjoy!

Taz reallyyyyyyyyy wanted to lick up the droplets of chocolate ice cream, but I narrowly avoided disaster and saved the day!

Fine, fine. Pushy, pushy.

Raw Vegan Blueberry 'Cheese'cake

2010-08-12T22:26:00.000-04:00

Yet another raw cheesecake! These are by far my favorite desserts to make, and they're so simple, and so delicious, I really implore you to try it out if you haven't yet. They taste exactly like real cheesecake but are about 8 billion times better for you (that is the actual scientific measurement).

I tried a plain and a Death By Chocolate cheesecake so I thought that this time around I would try something fruity. I took inspiration, drawing heavily from from Carmella's recipe, but I changed a few things.

Raw Vegan Blueberry 'Cheese'cake

Crust:
3/4 cups almonds
1/2 cup fresh shredded coconut
3 tbsp carob chips
1 tsp vanilla
1 tsp raw honey
pinch salt
2 dates

Filling:
2 cups fresh blueberries
1 handful red grapes
1 1/2 cup cashews (unsoaked)
7 tbsp coconut oil
1 tsp dark cocoa powder
1/2-2/3 cup honey
1 tbsp lemon juice
pinch salt

Topping:
1 tbsp honey
1 heaping tbsp dark cocoa powder
1/2 handful blueberries
(add more blueberries for more watery consistency)

-The recipe is so effing simple. Just grind all of the topping ingredients in the food processor and press the mixture into the pan for the crust. I grated fresh coconut with the food processor first instead of using packaged coconut which is sweetened. If you have a food processor - try this, it looks really cool. Or...just as well don't, Your Highness.

-Blah, blah, blah. Self-indulgent comment.

-Next, process the entire filling. Add more honey if it's not sweet enough for you. I doubled the amount of honey from the original recipe.

-Just spoon the filling onto the crust and make the topping, decorating/just throwing it on there to look fancy.

-I am going to eat this on the roof of my house at 2 AM while I watch the Perseids meteor shower, sitting by my 10$ Wal-Mart brand 'outdoor' lantern. Yay, space!!!

Ex astris, Scientia!

going where no raw cheesecake has gone before

Raw Vegan Tacos, Guacamole, "Sour Cream," and "Refried Beans"

2010-08-11T22:27:00.001-04:00

Today I felt like I was in the zone, and finally got to try a recipe from my Raw Vegan idol The Sunny Raw Kitchen. The woman who runs it, Carmella, is so inspiring to me. She is so innovative with her raw foods and one day I hope I can be if not as talented, at least as dedicated as she is! ALSO she is from CANADA. Home of Wolverine.

So, I have a gushing crush. I know you still have N'SYNC in your iTunes. I'd say we're about even. Let's get to this stupendous 4-part recipe.

Raw Vegan Tacos, "Sour Cream," "Refried Beans," and Guacamole
original recipe here

Taco "Meat"
4 cups carrot, grated (a 1lb bag)
1 cup sundried tomatoes, soaked
1/2 red onion, minced
2 cloves garlic, crushed
1 tbsp chili powder
2 tsp cumin
1/4 tsp cayenne
1 tsp salt

"Sour Cream"
1 1/2 cup cashews (soaked)
1/2 cup water
1/2 tsp salt
1 1/2 tbsp lemon juice
3-4 tsp apple cider vinegar

"Refried Beans"
2 1/2 cups sunflower seeds (soaked)
1/2 yellow onion
2 tsp chili powder
2 1/2 cumin
1 tsp salt
2 tsp cashew butter
3/4 cup water

Guacamole!
2 avocados
1 cup diced tomatoes
2 tbsp lime juice
1/2 cup chopped fresh cilantro
1/2 cup chopped red onion
1 clove garlic, minced
1 tsp cumin
1/4 tsp cayenne
1/2 tsp salt

-This whole recipe is RAW so that's why you can't put beans in the "refried beans." Hey, no one pays you to ask questions. This recipe yields a LOT of healthy food, definitely enough for a week for me. I cheated a little and used 100% pure white corn tortillas instead of raw dehydrated tortillas. So this raw vegan until the tortillas.

-First things first: make the 'meat.' I grated all my carrots in the food processor, set them aside. Then I processed all the other ingredients together, including the soaked sundried tomatoes. Mix the carrots and sundried tomato mixture together by hand. This tastes EXACTLY like ground beef taco meat- really cool.

-Let that sit and absorb flavor for at least an hour. Carmella's recipe says to stick this in the dehydrator for about a half hour after you let it sit, - but I didn't find that completely necessary.

-Next, make the "Sour Cream" - simply combine all the ingredients in the processor and then let it sit in the refridgerator until serving time. Tastes effing exactly like sour cream.

-Next, make the "Refried beans." Drain the sunflower seeds, and combine all ingredients in the processor. You're going to want to leave this mixture not completely "creamy" like with the Sour Cream, leave it piecey. I let this sit in the dehydrator for a half hour before I ate and it gave it a cool texture. But it's not necessary - especially for the lazy among us (usually me).

-Next, make the guac! It's a totaly bitch cutting up everything- but it really makes you (me) happy to see the bright colors of the carrots, the green avocado, the tomato, the bright olive of the cumin, the fragrant cilantro. Man, it could only get better if Wolverine were here to help me cook.

-Luckily, I had someone even better than Wolverine to be my cooking assisant - my amazing sister, who deals with my constant whining and one-track mind, and takes awesome pictures. Thanks, Knoxville.

-Okay so mix the gauc with a potato masher or your fist or someone you hate's fucking face. It doesn't really matter, it'll probably always come out the same, unless you use the last version in which case you might also have tears and blood inside your mix.

-Let that sit in the fridge until you're ready to eat.

- I really felt accomplished and like an 1800s pioneer woman after making all of this from scratch. Oregon Trail, represent.

You have just died of dysentery.

Vegan Carob-Peanut Butter Cookies

2010-08-09T22:06:00.000-04:00

I really wanted to cook with carob chips: irrelevant.

They cost me 5.94 cents: irrelevant but ridiculous. Ninety-FOUR cents.

They (carob chips) are delicious: a personal opinion and irrelevant but getting closer to relevance.

This recipe is really good - rich and very very peanut buttery. I have never cooked with carob chips before, so I was unsure how to handle them. This recipe yields delicious, small cookies. The batter is really greasy because of all the peanut butter and margarine (it's equal parts margarine + PB to flour), but they cook really well and don't fall apart.

Vegan Carob-Peanut Butter Cookies

adapted from this great recipe

1 1/2 cups whole wheat flour

1 tsp baking soda

1/2 tsp salt

1/2 tsp allspice

1 cup all-natural creamy peanut butter (I got Smuckers)

1/2 cup vegan brown sugar or 1/3 cup Amber agave

1/2 cup maple syrup
1/2 cup vegan margarine
substitute for 2 eggs
2 tsp vanilla extract

carob chips to taste

-First, mix all the dry ingredients. Boring.

-I used the food processor to combine the peanut butter, margarine, vanilla, egg replacer, brown sugar (or agave) and maple syrup. If you use agave, make sure to cook this for about a minute more.

-The mixture will come out really greasy and generally unappealing and sort of revolting, but stick with it chap. Combine it with the dry mixture slowly. Add the carob chips. Put the bowl in the fridge for about 45 minutes, so the dough will be easier to work with and no longer sticky.

-After the 45 mins is up, roll up the dough into little 2-inch balls and cook for about 13 mins. The pan doesn't have to be greased. Be careful not to let them sit in the oven any longer or their bottoms will come out all burnt and repulsive. I hate burnt things. I'm just a little ball of sunshine today, aren't I.

Vegan Biscuits

2010-08-09T21:45:00.000-04:00

This recipe is really really really easy. All you need is like, twenty minutes and fork.

And... this other stuff

Vegan "Buttermilk" Biscuits
adapted from here

2 cups whole wheat flour
1 tbsp baking soda
1/2 tsp salt
4 tbsp vegan margarine
3/4 cup almond milk
1 tsp apple cider vinegar

'butter' glaze:
1/2 tsp apple cider vinegar
1/4 cup almond milk

-Last night BBC One's third (and LAST wtf) Sherlock episode "The Great Game" was on and I wish so bad they will make more episodes. Please make more episodes BBC? My dog Taz will promise you this face?

My luck, the BBC is probably a cat person. Ugh, fuck.

-Yeah, whatever, biscuits. Mix the margarine, baking soda, flour and salt. Cut the margarine in with a fork until the flour is a fine meal in little pieces.

-Add in the almond milk and apple cider vinegar slowly, grinding the dough by hand. It shouldn't be sticky. After eveything is mixed, roll out the dough on a flour-covered countertop and cut into circular shapes with a drinking glass. Or your laser-vision. They should be about 1/2 inch thick.

-After they are on an ungreased baking sheet, you can use the "butter" glaze mix to brush over the tops of the uncooked biscuits. Cook for 12 minutes on 350.

Vegan Nutella

2010-08-08T22:34:00.001-04:00

Becoming vegan, I was horrendously sad to concede that Nutella, the most wonderous invention of mankind, was in fact far from vegan. It has skim milk and whey :( Baaaaaaah

Thus, I set out on a symbolic and defining journey to create VEGAN NUTELLA.

My food processor, while pretty good at what it does, is not at all superb quality, so I ran into some hiccups in making Nutella. You need a high-quality food processor to turn any nut into nut butter, but as a stalwart guardian of the sacred Nutella brotherhood, I thought of a way around it.

Vegan Nutella

1/3 cup dark cocoa

2 cups hazelnuts

1 cup powdered sugar

1/2 cup almond milk

2 tbsp canola oil

2 tsp vanilla

-I tried to cut down on the "sugary" flavor of the Nutella and enhance the nut flavor. Heh heh.

-Simply begin to process the nuts until they are a fine meal, or until the mixture gets "stuck" and won't mix any longer. Add the almond milk and oil in to allow it to blend further. Blend for a couple minutes.

-Add the other ingredients and blend. Add more cocoa or sugar depending on your tastes! I've been eating this all day. FFFFFF so good.

Vegan Pot Pie

2010-08-07T23:56:00.002-04:00

I normally don't make this kind of "comfort food" type thing, but I saw this recipe on this lovely blog Earth Vegan, Holy Cow! Vegan Recipes so I thought I'd give it a try. The webmistress Vaishali has a page which is devoted to laying out vegan substitutes for non-vegan items. It's seems like it would be extremely helpful, especially for someone who is borderline human/chimpanzee like me. However, I often just guess and then whine and tear up when my recipes don't work.

I haven't been reading her blog very long, but she seems genuinely talented and not nearly as clumsy and clueless as I am - so go visit her site! (But don't abandon me, I have abandonment issues).

Anywho,...the recipe. I changed a few of the ingredients, and I also used Red Mill Garbanzo Bean Flour instead of regular white flour. I've been dying to use it for something and it's a really good substitue for white flour - it cooks relatively the same and has a light, invisible flavor.

Invisible flavor. Yeah, no sense.

Garbanzo beans are also known as chickpeas and they are one of my favorite foods of all time.

Vegan Pot Pie

courtesy of the lovely Vaishali here

Crust:

2 cups garbanzo bean flour or whole wheat flour

5 tbsp vegan margarine

1/2 tsp salt

rosemary/thyme to taste

Filling:

1 lb red potatoes, cut up small

1 medium onion diced

4 cloves minced garlic

1 sweet potato, peeled, cut up small

1 package of tofu (next time I will use tempeh rather than tofu)

1/2 cup green peas
1 tsp rosemary
1 tsp salt
1 tsp black pepper
1/2 cup chardonnay wine
1 cup unsweetened almond milk
2 tbsp nutritional yeast
2 tsp apple cider vinegar
2 tbsp garbanzo bean or whole wheat flour (to thicken gravy)
2 tbsp vegan margarine
1 tbsp olive oil

-Next time I make this, I will definitely use tempeh instead of tofu. It will hold its shape better in the pie. Also, I think chardonnay is the best wine to give this sauce a kick. The nutritional yeast and vinegar I added give a kick too.

-First things first: make the crust. I used Earth Balance instead of shortening because I just dislike shortening immensely. Combine all the crust ingredients in a bowl and cut in the margarine. Split the dough into two sections and wrap them in plastic wrap and stick 'em in the fridge til later.

-Now get to the filling: after all the bitch work of cutting things up is done, which will take 30 years but is sort of strangely relaxing, you can start the fun part. On the stovetop cook the onions and the garlic in the olive oil until they brown. Toss in the red potatoes, rosemary, sweet potato, peas and tofu/tempeh and cook for five minutes. Add the salt and pepper. Go easy on the rosemary. A little of that shit goes a long way.

(Lovvveeee grows where my rosemary goesssss, and nobody knowwwwssssssss....but meeeee)

-Nexxxxxt: Add in the almond milk, tofu/tempeh, nutritional yeast, chardonnay, 2 tbsp of flour (to thicken gravy), apple cider vinegar, and 2 tbsp of vegan margarine. Allow this to sit with the cover over the pan for 10-12 minutes.

-Of course being the impatient 4 year old that I am, I had to check and stir this about 800 times. I feel it's better to just let it sit, if you can manage. Take it off the heat after its done, and let it sit until you're done with the crust.

-Take the crust from the fridge, or you ex-wife's vagina, whatever cold appliance you were storing it in, and roll one of the dough sections out carefully. Cover the rolling pin and counter with flour so it doesn't break (it probably will anyways if you used margarine and not shortening, like me). Line the bottom of your pie pan. Pour the contents of the filling over it.

-Next, use the other dough section to cover the filling. And it'll look like a pie, holllaaaaaa.

-I pinched the edges of the pie with a fork to make it look all fancy and professional. I like to lie to myself.

-Cook in the oven for about an hour (or a little less) and eat. Potatoes are my least favorite vegetable, so I was surprised when I really enjoyed this. It's good for a rainy day.

Or whatever you want! Sorry, jeez, I'm watching Tropic Thunder and my emotions are all confused right now. Tom Cruise is fat and bald and dancing and it's just so... hairy and fit/unfit, and greasy. Just try to forget I said that and eat the food.

Vegan Banana Bread

2010-08-06T22:25:00.002-04:00

I had a bunch of rotting bananas on my counter and I knew if I didn't do something with them, it would be a waste and that would make me sad. So I was looking up recipes for vegan banana bread and I found this awesome recipe on The Post-Punk Kitchen website. This is honestly the best banana bread I have ever had. This was my reaction after tasting it:

I changed a couple things to suit my tastes, but you can find the original here by Isa. It's just effing excellent. It's driving me ... crazy. Hahaha, see what I did there? I was leading on like I was going to type "bananas."

...but I didn't.

n_n

Vegan Banana Bread

adapted from Isa

1/2 cup brown sugar

1/2 cup maple syrup

1/2 cup of vegan margarine

4 ripe bananas

2 cups whole wheat flour

1/2 tsp baking soda

1/2 cup almond milk

1 tsp apple cider vinegar

1 tsp almond extract

1 tsp cinnamon

2 tbsp cacao nibs

1/4 tsp allspice

1/2 tsp salt

walnuts, to taste

-In my opinion, it was the allspice and walnuts that made this whole recipe. I added maple syrup instead of white sugar, so that means you'll have to cook it for a little bit longer. Also, I opted for almond extract - it gives a cool flavor to this light, fluffy, cake-like bread. I choose to put in cacao nibs, because bananas and chocolate = win.

-First, preheat oven to 350 degrees. Mix almond milk and apple cider vinegar. Allow to sit for 5 mins to curd.

-Next, mix all ingredients, including almond milk mixture, EXCEPT the walnuts, in a large bowl, mashing up the bananas well so there are no large pieces.

-Grease a 8x5 bread pan with margarine and sprinkle walnuts over the top of the batter.

-Leave in the oven for approx 70 minutes, and then eat that mofo.

Black Quinoa Breakfast Cereal

2010-08-06T22:10:00.002-04:00

When I wake up in the morning, the first thing I do is stumble out of my room in a half-hungover, half-delusional haze. Then, I sit on my computer for an unhealthy amount of time while I try to recount my disjointed, nonsensical dreams. After I debate over whether I should wash my hair or not, I go downstairs to get something for breakfast.

Breakfast is my least favorite meal, so needless to say I'm really not a "breakfast food" type person. I don't like eating sweet things when I first get up, so I normally go for plainer flavors like hummus (which I just made for a snack now, nom nom) and bread, or nut cheese (hahaha nut cheese) and bread, or leftover vegan pizza.

The point of all this rambling nonsense is really to point out the fact that I don't like cereal very much. I usually eat the Kashi kinds for a snack if I get hungry during the day but in the morning sometimes I haveeee: quinoa or brown rice with almond milk and fruits/nut.

It's packed with vitamins/good calories/healthy shit to start your inevitably boring day off right! Here are some suggestions:

Black Quinoa Breakfast Cereal

1 cup quinoa/rice (protein, fiber)

1 1/2 cup water (cooked before hand)

Toppings:

-strawberries/blueberries (vitamin C, antioxidants -immune system boost)

-bananas (they slow digestion, Potassium)

-wolfberries/goji berries (antioxidants, Potassium)

-cashews/pecans/walnuts (good fats, brain food, protein)

-1 tbsp agave/maple syrup

-soy/rice/almond milk (protein)

-Black quinoa's nuttier flavor and crunchy texture has the perfect breakfast cereal consistency. You can heat it up or eat it cold. I've been meaning to try this with bulgur and hemp milk, but haven't gotten around to buying it yet.

-Bananas have a looooooooot more Potassium than apples, so they'll keep your brain awake/more alive longer in the morning. This whole "recipe" seems pretty obvious, but I never even thought of making my own cereal until my good friend, who is a celiac, pointed it out to me.

-I think fruit adds just the right amount of sweetness, without being overly saccharine. But if you want more, add the maple or agave.

-I usually add maple syrup so I think of Wolverine right away after I wake up.

Roasted Corn with Basil-Shallot Vinaigrette

2010-08-06T21:51:00.001-04:00

So today was a massive cooking day. I set out to make one thing and actually made four. But no one really cares about that, or me, so let's just move straight on then, shall we:

I got this recipe from the fantabulous Eating Well website. I used up all my fresh basil on the Scalloped Tomatoes from the other day, so I substituted in dried basil. Straight up I think that and the lemon juice are the biggest things I changed, but this recipe was really light and tasted a lot like sour cream and onion chips (random).

Roasted Corn with Basil-Shallot Vinaigrette

barely adapted from original

3 1/2 cups sweet yellow corn (about 2 cans)

2 tbsp olive oil

dried basil to taste
2 tbsp chopped shallots (green onions)

1 tbsp red wine vinegar

1/4 tsp salt

cracked black pepper to taste

1/2 tsp lemon juice

Basically, all you do is preheat the oven to 450. Toss the 3 1/2 cups corn with the olive oil and spread it on a baking ban. Bake for 25 mins, stirring once or twice, until the corn browns a bit. It'll smell soooo much like popcorn. Nomnomnommm.

I was just reflecting on how much I ate today. Fail. Okay next: chop/dice the shallots. Whatever. Dicing is way too involved for me, plus my cutting knife is about as sharp as my wit. That is to say... not very sharp.

-Now homie, mix the vinegar, salt, pepper, lemon juice, and basil in a dish.

-When the corn comes out of the oven, first be careful because 450 degrees is one hot motherfucker, and I burnt my hand even through my oven mit. Like I said, real sharp. Toss the corn and vinegar mix all together and eat it hot or coooold. Done!

Death By Chocolate Raw Vegan Cheesecake

2010-08-05T20:35:00.001-04:00

THIS. IS. sogood. It's so assaultingly chocolately it should come with a warning label.

It's okay, Wolverine. I can handle it this time.

Death By Chocolate Raw Vegan Cheesecake

Crust:

1/2 cup pecans (soaked 1 hour)

1/2 cup walnuts (soaked 1 hour)

2 tbsp cacao nibs

2-3 tbsp agave

dash salt

Filling:

3 1/2 cups cashews (soaked 1-4 hours)

4 dates

3/4 cup agave

1/4 cup maple syrup

1/2 tsp ground coffee

1/2 cup coconut oil

1/2 cup water

2 tsp vanilla

1/2 cup cocoa powder

1/2 cup dark cocoa powder

dash salt

-Notice how I gave the recipe a clever name this time? Yeah, I thought it was awesome and cute. Shut the fuck up. Now that we've exchanged pleasantries:

-First: soak all the nuts 1-4 hours before cooking. Raw cheesecake really is worth all the waiting on the nuts, ahahaha everytime I type nuts I think of testicles. Anyhow, it is SO good, the raw cheesecake, not the testicles. In my opinion, actually far better than real cheesecake. And howwwwdy, better for ya.

-Next, combine all the ingredients for the crust in the food processor and press "ON." Yeah, I think I'm just a witty little fuck, you know. Cacao nibs are basically like the best thing ever: they're the unsweetened cocoa bean, and they are packed with mood/cognition enhancing Theobromine.. blah blah science. They're small and crunchy and the Aztecs used to chew on them. That makes them awesome.

-Next, put the soaked cashews, agave, maple (Canada!), coconut oil, cocoa powders, dates, salt, vanilla and water in the food processor. I know I always go on and on about how awesome Canada is, but in reality, it's New Zealand. I was listening to different countries' national anthems last night at around 1 AM (I have no life, it's accepted), and NZ has the most amazing fucking national anthem I've ever heard. The instrumental sounds like the intro to a game show. HAHAHA Behind dooooorrrr number one we have: the entire country of New Zealand!!!

Needless to say, it is AWESOME. You should definitely listen to it here on Youtube while you cook. You won't be disappointed. The first verse is, I think, the aboriginal version.

-Anyways, other than New Zealand's success at life, you should empty the contents of the food processor into the pan right now (that's what she said) and be a success yourself!

-om nom nom nom, soooo chocolatey!!

-Voila! Store in the freezer for 2 hours, and then "defrost" 1/2 a half hour in the fridge before serving.

-Wow, you did it!

PS. I had to look up how to spell "success" like 8 times.

Scalloped Tomatoes and Croutons

2010-08-04T20:17:00.001-04:00

Gooooooooooooooooooood golly Miss Molly, Dizzy Miss Lizzy, Maybelline, Lucille, Michelle ma belle, Dear Prudence, Alejandro and every other song title there is with a name. This recipe is hella good.

Like,... really, really good. It gets the Superman seal of approval. Superbland has always seemed like kind of a meathead to me. I honestly wouldn't touch him with yours, but, not the point.

I found this recipe on the amazing site Smitten Kitchen. Of course, I've vegan-ized it, which wasn't difficult, even for me and my remaining 6 brain cells.

Scalloped Tomatoes and Croutons

adapted from original

3 1/2 cups whole wheat baguette

3 tbsp olive oil

2 1/2 pounds of plum tomato

1 tbsp minced garlic

1 tbsp Light agave (or 2 tbsp vegan sugar)

2 tsp salt

1 tsp black pepper

1/2 cup fresh basil leaves, cut thin

2 tsp apple cider vinegar

Lots of sugars use "bone char" made from the bones of cows, to bleach their grains' color to white, but with some research, there are a bunch of sugars that don't use it. Agave to me is easier, the word "research" already making me tired, but whatever. I know Domino sugar does use bone char and Pillsbury doesn't.

-First, preheat oven to 350. Now chop up the baguette into little cubes. A baguette works greeeaaaat for this if you get one with a really crunchy crust. It plays well against the cooked softness of the tomatoes.

-Dice the plum tomatoes really small. Plum tomatoes are perfect for cutting because they have way fewer seeds than other kinds of tomatoes. And seeds are little bitches.

-After you dice all the tomatoes (I almost cut myself 90 times because there were so many of them and I'm a flake, and I started spacing out, thinking of the new BBC show called Sherlock, which owns so hard) throw them in a large bowl with the salt, the agave/sugar, pepper, garlic and mix it up.

-Next, toss the bread cubes into a large pan with 3 tbsp olive oil. We already talked about lipid peroxidation and polyunsaturated fatty acids (we're so cool!), so we know why I cook olive oil on medium heat. Cook for about 5 mins until the bread is crunchy. Holla.

-OH MY GOD I am watching the show Air Jaws II. Firstly, I'm really upset with myself that I didn't even know there was an Air Jaws I. AIR Jaws? Enough said. Secondly, these sharks are like the Sean Connerys of the ocean. Awesome.

-Next: After about 5 mins of the bread cooking, throw the tomato mixture into the pan as well, and let that cook for another five minutes. Mix well and often.

-After 5 mins, remove the pan from the stove and stir in the basil leaves.

-Now, put everything in a shallow baking pan, and throw into the oven for 35 mins. Don't ACTUALLY throw it. Also, sprinkle the 2 tsp of apple cider vinegar over the top.

Then be like Air Jaws II and eat.

Vegan Cashew Nut 'Cheese'

2010-08-04T15:58:00.000-04:00

I was on the Whole Foods website (loser) and I found their recipe section, and in it, voila, this recipe.

I have read about a ga-zillion recipes for raw vegan cheese, which calls for the soaking of nuts, and a long process of letting it sit for days and days and years, and wrapping it in cheesecloth and about a million other things I am FAR too lazy to achieve. If I were an animal, I would ALWAYS be the roadkill on the highway, probably because I was walking too slow.

Anyway, now that we're talking about road kill, let's make some food:

This is like an easy version of raw vegan cheese, using cashew (bless you) butter instead of soaked nuts. I had no nutritional yeast, (different from baking yeast, infused with B vitamins and gives a really 'cheesy' flavor to vegan/vegetarian dishes), so I dicked around with the recipe a little to make it work regardless.

Now you don't need to ask the grocery store worker if they have "nutrional yeast," and get pointed to the feminine hygiene aisle, if you don't want to.

Vegan Cashew Nut 'Cheese'

adaption of Whole Foods recipe

1 cup of cashew butter

1/4 cup unsweetend almond milk

2 tablespoons of tahini

4 tsp of apple cider vinegar

1/2 tsp of onion powder
1 tsp garlic

3/4 tsp salt

1/2 tsp white pepper

-All you have to do is throw everything into a food processor and you're done. Yay!

-The downside to all of this is that in their pure forms, all the ingredients look startlingly close to catfood. I honestly might have thrown up if I looked at it too long. This is the least cat-food looking shot of the bunch. See? I do care about you.

-Thankfully I didn't have to look at it too long. I think this is awesome to put on bagels or whatever.

-My little dog Taz fell asleep in my arms when I was singing to him Complainte du la Butte. I think he's sick today. What does this have to do with cooking? Well, nothing, you heartless bastard.

Vegan Lemon Poppy Cake

2010-08-03T15:27:00.001-04:00

This cake has a really summery flavor.

I've been sitting here for 10 minutes and that's all I can think of writing. My brain is on E today (what else is new). If brains were petrol I probably couldn't power a fly's motorcycle around the circumference of a penny.

Also, when I just reread the title of this post I thought it said "Vagina Lemon Poppy Cake." VAGINA. Vagina is NOT a cake flavor. Even that sentence makes me dry heave a little. Sigh. I think it's time for a nap.

I'm so tired I'm starting to see Wolverine in the dry wall on my ceiling. That's when you know it's bad. Also, now that I'm thinking, why would a fly need a motorcyle? It would just, assumedly, fly. Unless it was as lazy as I am. If I were a fly, I'd need a motorcycle. Please step right ahead and stop reading this.

Vegan Lemon Poppy Cake

3 cups whole wheat flour

1 tsp baking soda

1 tsp baking powder

1/2 tsp salt

3 1/3 tbsp poppy seeds
2 tsp vanilla
1/3 cup lemon juice
1 cup apple juice
2/3 cup maple syrup - Grade B, pure.
3 lemon rinds

-Okay first, you're going to want to mix the flour, baking soda/powder, salt, and poppy seeds all together, as the dry mix.

-Next: Add the apple juice, lemon juice, 3 tsp of vanilla, and maple syrup. (From Canada!). You can use store bought lemon juice, or just wait until you grate the lemons and then juice them.

-Take a food grater/shredder (I just used the grating tool on my food processor) and grate the rind of 3 lemons. If fruit could think, honestly, it would be like SHIIIIIIIIIITTTTT in the food processor. I always think of that whenever I use it.

-Now that you have all your lemon rinds (nom nom nom), mix them into the batter! I'm sure you got that, but I'm a little comatose right now, maybe you are too.

I just thought this picture was pretty and I wanted to show off.

-Now, put the cake in a 9 inch pan on 350 for 30-35 mins. Remember to grease the pan because ~~I forgot again~~ you don't want sad sticky cake, yo.

-In a little less than 3/4 of an hour, you'll be the proud owner of a brand-new cake, only pay S+H! Call 555-5555, that's 555-5555, that's 555-5555!!!

-If you want to make the icing I made (I just thought blueberries go well with lemon, if you don't well then, excuuuuuuuuuuuse me, Your Majesty) just throw in the food processor:

1/2 cup fresh blueberries

1/2 cup vegan margarine

3 cup powdered sugar

1 tbsp lemon juice

1/2 tsp strawberry extract

1/2 tsp apple cider vinegar

If you buy a pint of blueberries, you can use what's left to decorate, or you can just stare at them. I don't know. The apple cider vinegar gives frosting a really good, "cream cheese" like flavor.

Holla, brosef!

Black Quinoa With Lime and Rice Vinegar

2010-08-02T23:38:00.005-04:00

Honestly, I'm having a moment of unrepentant joy because I just read Daniel Day Lewis is going to play Professor Moriarty in Sherlock Holmes 2. EVERYONE knows Sherlock Holmes is so awesome that it could melt your eyes. He's like the first superhero ever because he has a super MIND. Science is hot. So importantly:

Now, back to this recipe. Honestly, this recipe is kind of so boring you might want to kill yourself before you even finish making it. Like, suicides might occur because of this recipe. Thus, I feel the extra need (on top of the usual need) to make funny comments and put up stupid, disconnected pictures. It's what I call a defense strategy. Basically you're taking your life in your hands if you choose to make this. It's what I call, throwing shit together when you're bored/lazy/otherwise inadequate.

Black Quinoa with Lime and Rice Vinegar

1 cup black (or regular) quinoa

1 1/2 cup water

canola oil

2 tbsp lime juice

1 tsp cayenne pepper

1 tsp paprika

1/2 tsp salt

3/4 whole onion

1 red bell pepper

3 tsp rice vinegar

-Okay, so I got black quinoa at this health food store near where I live. It's apparently the "wild" version of regular quinoa. Wild is a pretty good adjective, so I decided to spring the 7.76$ to buy it. Who the fuck charges seventy-SIX cents for anything, I don't know. That's not my area of expertise. (Nothing is).

Despite my whining, it's actually really good- it remains crunchy after it's cooked and has a less nuttier flavor than regular quinoa. If you can find it and you're gullible like me, buy it.

-First, put 1 cup of quinoa with 1 1/2 cups water in a pan. Handle that? Okay now turn on the stove and let it come to boil, bringing down the temp to a simmer until all the water evaporates. Cook it like rice, homie.

-Next, pour some canola oil into a frying pan and throw in the cut up red bell pepper. Let that sit for a while before tossing in the onion because peppers cook slower. I use canola when I fry because it's supposed to not transform chemically/magically/religiously when it's cooked, creating a toxin called HNE (fun, look it up) and kill you.

It's something that happens with lipid peroxidation, which is just a nerd way of saying heating oils. Polyunsaturated fatty acids contain lots of double bonds- they have reactive hydrogen atoms. WHICH MEANS blah blah blah sciencey shit, basically: sesame, canola, coconut oils are all pretty good to be heated at high temperatures. However, I am an idiot, even I really don't believe myself. Why should you, if you think about it.

-I threw some extra paprika on the heating pepper and onions to infuse flavor.

-Next, take the quinoa off the heat (it'll prob take about 10-15 mins to cook), and pour the veggies over it. Add the salt, lime, cayenne, rice vinegar, and paprika. I put a shitload of extra lime on mine because I like the flavor a lot. Ease up on the cayenne if you don't like spicy food, or cut it out altogether.

-Dude, you're all done! Quinoa's awesome because it's the grain with the most protein, so it mf fills you up. Eat, mofo.

Vegan Strawberry-Basil Scones

2010-08-01T16:07:00.001-04:00

So, I was perusing the blogosphere and came across Carla from Canada's brilliant blog The Year of the Vegan . Everyone knows how much I love Canada because Wolverine comes from Canada. And that's where I found this fucking awesome recipe. TWO more reasons to love the True North.

As usual I made changes to suit my preferences but her original recipe can be found here and it's amazing.

Vegan Strawberry-Basil Scones

1 cup almond milk
1 tsp apple cider vinegar
3 tbspn strawberry jam
1 tbsp light agave
3 tbsp canola oil
2 tsp strawberry extract
2 cups whole wheat flour
1 cup white flour
3 1/2 tsp baking powder
1 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp salt
1 cup strawberry, diced
2 tbsp basil, packed

-First mix almond milk and the apple cider vinegar together. Let curd for 5 mins.

-Cut up strawberries and set aside.

-Add the jam, agave, strawberry extract and oil to the almond milk. Whisk this bitch together.

-Mix in the flours, the baking soda/powder and salt. The batter will be tough. After you do that (pick it up, what are you, part turtle?) fold in the basil.

-Fold in the strawberries! 1 cup is kind of a lot and the original recipe calls for 1/2 cup. I love strawberries so, if you're really devoted like me, you'll work that dough until they all fit in. Aw yeah, like that baby.

-Put these puppies on parchment paper, the oven set on 375, for approx 17-20 mins.

-And then you're done! This is a pretty easy recipe altogether, even for me, and I have the IQ of a volcanized rock.

Vegan Chocolate Chip Cookies

2010-08-01T11:25:00.004-04:00

Hooray! I know, chocolate chip cookies are so good they make you want to puke. I actually made these a couple days ago but was too lazy to put all the pics and stuff up on the computer. On top of this the pictures sucked because my digital camera still runs on BATTERIES and is a piece of shit. Yeah. So, I was stomping around like the baby I am.

At first, I scorned the cookies because I deemed them a terrible, horrible failure and a testament to my already dubious talent. But then, I came around. I became like the woman who says she never wants to have kids, and then she has one by accident (heyyyya!) and swears to have 50 more.

I would have 50 more batches of these little mf bites of joy.

So, if you're feeling like Wolverine today:

Then do I have a recipe for you! These are are not the overly-sugary ooey-gooey cookies your mom makes. They have a rich, full flavor and a hearty yumminess to them. If you don't like them, they also make really good ammo, so throw them at your mirror when you have your inevitable moment of self-hatred for the day!

Vegan Chocolate Chip Cookies

2 cups whole wheat flour

1/3 cup agave syrup (Amber)

1 1/2 tsp baking powder

1/2 tsp baking soda

1/2 tsp salt

3/4 cup almond milk

1/4 cup canola oil
2 tsp vanilla extract
4-5 squares of bittersweet vegan baking chocolate

*Makes about 24 small cookies

-Most pure baking chocolate is vegan, however sometimes it is "produced on equipment that manufactures milk, soy, etc" - If you have a problem with this, Whole Foods chocolate chips and Trader Joe's chocolate chips are both vegan. Also, carob chips (which taste a little different, nuttier, but are equally AMAZING) are another option. They have a very chocolate-y consistency after being baked. Also, you can give carob chips to your dog. Or if you really hate your dog, go ahead with the chocolate chips.

-Step 1: Mix all dry ingredients together. 2 cups flour, baking soda/powder, salt.

-Next, whisk all the wet ingredients together. Almond milk, canola oil, agave syrup, vanilla. I always use Almond Breeze brand almond milk. I think the Silk kind is kind of tasteless. Almond Breeze, represent. When I made these cookies I forgot to put in the agave and realized only after they were in the oven. So I had to take them out, pouting like a 2 year old, and put it in ex post. Fail.

- Now, whisk the wet mixture into the dry slowly.

-Next, chop up 4-5 blocks of vegan baking chocolate with a good knife. As a zombie, I'm used to people coming at me with knives. But as a human, I think you should be concerned if you chop off a finger or two. Unless you're part starfish, then by all means, please send me a YouTube vid. Ps. Wolverine can regrow his fingers too.

-Now mix the shavings into the batter by hand. Yes, by hand you lazy ****.

-My dog Taz is obviously worried I am going to leave the oven on again and burn down the house.

-Last, roll all the cookies out on a greased (with canola) cookie sheet, and cook on 350 for about 13-15 mins. Normally, you'd let them in for a little less time, but since we used agave you're supposed to extend baking time by 6%. I read that off an agave manufacturer's website once, but you were fooled for a minute, weren't you? That'll teach you to trust me.

-nom nom nom nom. I left these sitting out for a day, and they really absorbed the chocolate flavor.

-Look it's a cookie-a-whirl! Sorry I have the excitement capacity of a toddler. Anyways, you're done! Go eat, and stop bothering me! *classy grin*

Vegan Chocolate Torte + Raspberry Icing

2010-07-29T21:06:00.003-04:00

Honestly I have no idea what the fuck a "torte" is, but this just didn't come out looking enough like a cake to call it a cake. Nonetheless, it's my favorite creation so far. Dude, this is soooooooooooo good. If you're not already dead, it's going to kill ya.

This cake is reallllly rich. The opposite of me because I spend all my money on raspberries and X-Men movies.

Vegan Chocolate Torte + Raspberry Icing

Torte:

1 3/4 cup whole wheat flour
2 tsp baking powder
1 tsp baking soda
3/4 cup cocoa
1/2 tsp salt
1 cup almond milk
1/2 cup coconut oil
1/2 cup maple syrup
1/2 cup agave
1 tsp apple cider vinegar
2 tsp vanilla

Icing:
3 cups vegan powdered sugar
2 pints raspberries
1/2 cup cran-grape juice
1/2 cup almond milk
1/2 cup vegan margarine

-First, put the cup of almond milk on the stove until it bubbles. Then add the 3/4 cup cocoa, whisking until it dissolves. The remove the pan from the stove and set aside. It's not rocket science but I still almost messed it up like six times.

-Next in a bowl add the whole wheat flour, the baking soda, baking powder, and salt. Mix it obviously. If you didn't get that by yourself, you're probably clinically unsafe to be around.

-Next: In a separate bowl pour the maple syrup. Use Grade B pure Canadian maple syrup, it has the best flavor. It's like what Amber agave is to Light agave. Wow, I sound like such a douchebag.

Anyways, it's from Canada and Canada's AWESOME. Yeah, I said it. From Canada came Wolverine. We love you, America's hat.

Mix the 1/2 cup agave with the maple syrup. Add to that the tsp apple cider vinegar.

-Next: Add the almond milk/cocoa mixture to the maple/agave mixture. Also in this put the 1/2 cup coconut oil. You will need to warm the coconut oil gently to liquify it. Put the measurement in a plastic bag, and putting the plastic bag in a bowl of hot water for a minute. Whisk all together.

-Add the wet mixture to the dry mixture and whisk until clump-free.

-Put in a 9-inch pan and place in the oven on 350 for 29 mins. Go ahead, try to put it in for 30 minutes. I dare you.

-Next combine all the icing ingredients in the food processor and blend it gently. Store in the fridge until serving time.

-Oh, look the cake's done! Fannnnnnnnnnnnnncy.

-Decorate and serve. Or just throw it at someone's face, that would be funny too.

Vegan Irish Whiskey Cake

2010-07-29T19:48:00.004-04:00

First off, I love whiskey. I wish I could put it in everything, including my toothpaste. I wish I could put it in my saliva ducts. LOL! I'm so funny, look at me making jokes. Yay Jameson ftw.

This recipe is an amalgam of different recipes I have found on the web. The most significant change I made is including both brown sugar and agave. Also, I always use all whole wheat flour, never a mix of white and whole wheat. Ugh, I sound so racist.

Vegan Irish Whiskey Cake

Ingredients:

2 1/3 cups whole wheat flour

1 tbsp baking powder

1/2 tsp baking soda

1 tbsp cocoa

1 tsp salt

3/4 cup vegan margaine, softened

1/2 cup brown sugar
2/3 cup agave (or 1 cup sugar)

egg replacer for 3 eggs

1/2 cup strong black coffee

1/2 cup of whiskey

Side note: Most maragines are vegan, however trace bits of milk etc can get into any maragarine not labeled "vegan." The only reason I buy the specific vegan kind is because Earth Balance can come "soy free" and I like that. Because I'm a freak.

-First, mix flour, cocoa, baking soda and powder, salt in a large bowl. Sift it, ho.

-In a separate bowl, mix the maragarine, brown sugar, and agave. Cream it together. This recipe goes well with Amber not Light agave, because it has a richer flavor. Like your mom.

-Add 3 tbspn egg replacer to equal parts water and add this to the wet mixture.

-Next: In a separate dish add the 1/2 cup of whiskey to the 1/2 cup of coffee. I'd consider using anything but Jameson for this recipe to be blasphemous. But who the hell am I? God? Someone with big tits? Who the hell is listening to me? Use whatever you want, you jackass.

Coffee and whiskey! Nom nom nom.

-Next: Add the wet mixture and the coffee/whiskey blend to the dry mixture slowly. Taste the batter once it's done. If hot people had a flavor, it would be this one.

-Next: Cook on 350 for 40 mins in any pan. Pause: remember to grease the pan w/margarine because if you don't you'll be sad like I was when I pulled it out of the oven and it stuck to the inside of the pan. I almost cried like a church on a Monday but then my mom came over and saved it because she could tell I was on the verge of a mini breakdown; as that's completely normal and not drastic at all. Thanks Ma, you're cool. PS. I'm watching Teen Wolf right now.

-Dust w/powdered sugar. Or don't; this isn't Adolf Hitler's cooking hour.

-If you're going for elegant I would suggest styrofoam plates purchased at your local Wal-Mart and a plastic fork that was preferably on sale at Publix in bulk, but do what you can.

Vegan Cornbread

2010-07-29T19:26:00.002-04:00

This isn't "raw" vegan because it's being cooked in the oven, but it's still offensively good. If you like really dense but light, unsweet cornbread, this is for yoself mere mortal.

Vegan Cornbread
Ingredients:

2 cups cornmeal
3/4 can yellow corn
1 cup whole wheat flour
2 cups unsweetened almond milk
1/3 cup canola oil
2 tsp baking powder
2 tbsp honey or maple syrup
2 tsp apple cider vinegar
1/2 tsp salt
1/4 cup brown flax seeds

-Step one: mix the apple cider vinegar and the almond milk. You've gotta curd that bitch. Whip it good. Don't forget the honey or the maple syrup to the wet mixture, like I ~~did~~ almost did. If you do this, you will catch the pox.

-Next: In a separate bowl mix the dry ingredients. Mix together the 2 cups cornmeal, whole wheat flour, can of yellow corn (I only used 3/4 of the can), and baking powder together. Add the canola oil to this mixture as well. Beat ittttttttt.

-Now: we're getting funky. What, jackass? I love cornbread. Mix the wet and dry ingredients together. I'm not even going to say it, but you know what I think this looks like.

-Next: You can add the flax seeds if you want to/have them. I add flax seeds to everything because they have OMEGA-3s and they're supposed to make you less of a moron. Honestly, it hasn't worked out that well for me so far, so. Up to you.

-Next: Put the entire mixture into a 9x13 (or whatever else you have, come on) pan lined with parchment paper. If you grease it, do it with oil not buttah. Otherwise it won't be vegan, yo. Parchment paper requires less clean up =win. And it gives the bread a cool texture.

Jesus, I can't write comments on every photo. Are you really concerned? Um... look. Here it is again from a different angle. I can take cool artistic shots of food. Except substitute "cool" and "artistic" for "desperate" and "needy for attention."

-Bake for 35 mins on 350 degree heat. If you keep it in for less, the inside texture might be a little grainy. No one likes grains. Not even their mothers.

-I think this tastes really good drizzled w/honey or jam. But what do I know, I eat vegan food so it's probably all disgusting in general. Thanks, critic.

Raw Vegan Apple Pie

2010-07-29T18:34:00.003-04:00

Right now, I live somewhere where apple pies cry in a bathroom stall because no one likes them and key lime pie is the cool kid. Needless to say, I'm the apple pie because I'm a loser and I'm excited for the Avengers movie, probably more excited than I am to wake up in the morning. I nearly died the other day when the whole cast got together at Comic Con. All I can say is that I'm sad Wolverine won't be included in the cast as well, because frankly, he owns.

Anyway...pie. Key Lime Pie is such a tool, so fuck you Key Lime Pie. There is literally a jillion (yes, a jillion) ways you could make raw vegan apple pie. So here's my version.

Raw Vegan Apple Pie

Crust:

1/2 cup dried cranberries
2 cups pecans
1/2 cup walnuts
1/2 cup dates

Filling:
6 medium apples, peeled, cored - I used red because I'm a communist! JK. Not even close. But I did use red.
3/4 cup dates
1/2 cup raisins
2 tsp cinnamon
2 tbspn honey

Topping:
3/4 cup cranberries
2 large squirts honey
2 handfuls of red grapes
3/4 cup water
1 handful of blueberries

-First, food process all the ingredients for the crust and press the crust mixture into the bottom of the pan. It should smell like Canada, aka maple syrup. Wolverine would be proud.

Look. That's so pretty. You didn't think you had it in you, did you? Yeah, I didn't have faith in you either.

-Next, peel and dice the apples. If you don't dice them really small, the food processor will probably explode all over your face and turn you into a hideous half-man a la Harvey Dent.

This is my dog Taz. He was really concerned, probably because he knows I have an IQ lower than his.

-Add 3/4 of the diced apples and the dates into the food processor. Then add raisins and honey and cinnamon. After this is all mixed, dump out the filling mixture into a bowl. Blend the other 1/4 apples separately. Then blend both mixtures together, otherwise it might get messy and there will be large pieces of unchopped apple.

-Spoon the apple mixture into the crust. Garnish with raisins and cranberries if you want to be a bamf.

-Next, mix the blueberries, grapes, cranberries, water and honey to make the sauce.

-I recommend making this pie if you want to eat it right away because it doesn't keep well for many days. The apple topping makes the crust soggy. When you're all done, put it in the freezer for 2 hours, then enjoy!

Raw Vegan Green Smoothie

2010-07-29T18:14:00.002-04:00

I just completely made this up and was under the impression it would be complete and utter crap. Lo and behold, I'm not as mentally underdeveloped as I frequently prove myself to be.

Raw Vegan Green Smoothie:

Ingredients:

2 cups fresh spinach
1 tbsp vanilla
1 cup lemon juice
1 cup almond milk
1 scoop hemp protein powder (or soy, whey, - not vegan)

Just blend all this in the food processor and you're done! Seriously don't add too much vanilla extract or you're going to want to vomit up everything you ate for the last 3 days. I was tempted to (and did, of course) and there was waaaaay too much of that fake vanilla-y flavor and I hated it and stomped off like the immature infant that I am.

This looks vaguely like I sneezed into the food processor.

Now it looks classy. Take a shot and be really happy you just ate a ton of spinach and it tasted good! Popeye would be proud. You are what you are and you know it.

Raw Vegan Mexican Crackers

2010-07-29T18:03:00.003-04:00

I know you're asking yourself, "What exactly constitutes a Mexican cracker?" You're probably not asking yourself that, but if you were, here is your answer: how the fuck do I know. I just added lots of hot spices, snapped my fingers in the air a couple times, waved around a sombrero and did other stereotypical Mexican things until they turned out right. This is another mix-and-match recipe from different places on the web that I forget. So kill me. You can't I'm already dead.

This recipe is sort of complicated because you need to use a dehydrator. I know: ain't no fun if the homies can't have none. So that's why I think you can cook these in an oven at a low temp (prob 120 degrees) as well. If you cook them above 120, they won't be "raw" vegan. For those of you that don't know, "raw" vegan just means "extra anal-retentive" vegan (that's what she said). It's believed according to that ideology that if food is cooked about 120 degrees, it loses some/all of its nutritional value.

Raw Vegan Mexican Crackers

Ingredients:

1 cup almonds

1 cup sunflower seeds, shelled, unsalted

1/2 cup cashews

1/2 cup flax seeds

3 tomatoes of your choosing, hooray

1 jalapeno

1 red bell pepper

3 sundried tomatoes

1 Cubanelle pepper
rosemary to taste (or whatever spice you like, I think rosemary is good for this recipe)
1 tsp garlic powder
1 tsp cayenne pepper
1 tsp onion powder

-Okay number one: Put the sunflower seeds, cashews (bless you), flax seeds, and almonds in the food processor and grind them into a paste.

-Next, empty the nut paste into a bowl for later use. Now, cut the tomatoes in half, seed those bitches, and chop. After that, chop the Cubanelle pepper. If you can't find a Cubanelle, stop caring so much and use something else. Also chop the red bell pepper and put this all into the food processor.

-Add the spices and rosemary next. I think the rosemary makes the recipe, but since when do you care what I think? Blend this homie like there's no tomorrow.

Next: add the nut paste to the vegetable mixture, and process it all together. I know the nuts look like a mixture between baby throw up and dog shit, but I promise it's going to be really really good. I know it's hard to believe. What are you, a cynic? That's my job.

-Now that everything is blended, it's time to put it in the dehydrator. I tried to put everything on wax paper and make it look nice, but I have no motor skills so it ended up looking like I was channeling Arnie from Benny and Joon. So instead, I just slapped them onto the dehydrator into some semblance of a square shape.

-Leave them in the dehydrator for 2 days. This time is really according to the qualty of your machine. I had to leave them in this long because they ended up being so thick (that's what she said).

-So, I checked the clock and it's been thirty years. That must mean the crackers are done! And it was worth the wait, the divorce, and all the arthritis. Look at how delicious and spicy they are! You were getting fat and depressed from your no pre-nup settlement arguments, but now you can eat a whole box of crackers and not feel guilty about it! You might even look so good that you'll temporarily blind your soon-to-be ex and be able to get the Corvette out of it, after all! Nom nom nom fragrant goodness.

Raw Vegan Brownies

2010-07-29T17:31:00.007-04:00

These are my absolute favorite thing ever. I know you don't care, humor me for like eight seconds, Jesus. They are so fudgy and rich and perfect and delightful and small. And they're made from walnuts which are good for your whats? Your BRRAAAAAAIIIIINNNNNSSS as we zombies like to say. They're also super easy to make (super super super super, it's the word of pretentious assholes), and that's perfect because we all know you're lazy!

Raw Vegan Brownies + Chocolate Icing:

Brownies:
1 cup walnuts (do not soak)
1/4 cup cocoa
1 cup dates

Icing:
2 avocados
3/4 cups agave nectar
2 tbspn coconut oil
2 tsp vanilla
1/4 cup cocoa
dash cinnamon
dash salt

-First combine all the incredients for the brownie in the food processor, and food process that bitch. It'll be really dark and sticky. Don't make me make another 'that's what she said' joke. This smells like, soooooooo good. Press the mixture intothe bottom of a small pan.

-After this is all done, throw it into the freezer overnight so everything sets. Next, take all the ingredients for the icing, and wait until morning to process it, or whenever you plan on eating the brownies. The icing needs to be refridgerated at all times or it'll end up looking like your spleen did on day 27 after your burial. You might need to add more agave to this frosting depending on your preferences.

-It's easy to get the avocado out if you cut it in a criss-cross pattern. Don't be scared of avocados in frosting. They're a lot less scary than Joan Rivers' face and I know you watch that stupid E! Red Carpet thing. I know you do.

Raw Vegan 'Cheese'cake

2010-07-29T17:04:00.002-04:00

Okay, I'm just getting the hang of this "blog" thing. Give me a break. I have been dead for like, three hundred years, and I also am missing the nub of my left ring finger (chopped it off when I found out my ex-husband was sleeping with the corpse of Angelina Jolie's grandmother). Whore.

Anyways! This is my first recipe for Raw Vegan Cheesecake. I adapted this recipe from a bunch of raw cheesecake websites on the web (I like to mix and match).

Raw Vegan 'Cheese'cake:

Ingredients

Filling:

3 1/2 cups unsalted cashews (soak 1-4 hours)

1 cup water

1 cup coconut oil

3/4 cup lemon juice

2 tsp vanilla

1/2 tsp salt
3/4 cup agave nectar

Crust:
2 cups unsalted almonds (soak 1-4 hours)
1 cup pitted dates (soak with almonds)

Garnish: Strawberries, cut

Homie, let them soak. If you don't you will be sorely disappointed in yourself. I am already disappointed in you and you probably haven't even done anything yet.

-First cut the strawberries for garnish. Don't get too excited.

We've got really nice facilities in Hell, don't we?

-After 1-4 hours, combine dates and almonds in the food processor and blend until they have a "diced" look to them. It's going to stick together like the corpses of Romeo and Juliet. Press the mixture into a pan.

-After 1-4 hours of soaking the cashews, put them in the food processor alongside everything else in the filling list. It'll taste so good you'll puke, I swear. You're going to need to melt-down the coconut oil, (put the measurement in a plastic bag, then let it sit in hot water for a minute).

Spoon it all into the crust after it gets a creamy texture, and then put the cheesecake into the freezer for 1-3 hours. It won't "freeze" it'll just harden (that's what she said). The coconut oil in it is a solid a room temperature and this is what stabilizes the pie. You learned something new today (?) ! If you didn't, well excuse me, ass, next time I won't try.

-After you take it out of the freezer, let it defrost for about a 1/2 hour in the fridge. You can then try to be a real douchebag like me and decorate it with the strawberries so people compliment you. Money can buy you love if you use it to buy ingredients for pie.

-Now. Why are you making this cake in the first place? Don't eat it all by yourself you fat ass. But you know, even if this isn't for a zombie dinner party, all the good-for-you fats inside of it will actually help you lose weight. Cooler than a witch's tit, right?? If any of your dead weight companions aren't vegan and start to bemoan your choice of lifestyle, shove a forkful of this in their mouth. I guarantee you they'll like it better than the real stuff.

And if they don't, oh well, they suck.